Oh it is definitely a Monday.

I just realized how creepy my blog makes me look.

I’m really not though.

I’m honest. I am the realest person you’ll ever meet. I will not lie. It helps me and it hurts me. But at least I’m me.

I officially have no one.

Expectation leads to disappointment.

Fuck feelings.

I can’t wait to see her again.

I have so much school work to do tonight but i find myself on social networks surfing useless bullshit that i could honestly care less about. I don’t know why i do this to myself but i see it as the reason for why I’m doing so poorly in school. I need to manage my time.

Well today was a mental fucking adventure. I started the day of happy because of yesterday but then we got out math tests back and I did shitty. Then I had double bio and I had to watch some gross movie which was terrible and we also have a test tomorrow which I am going to fail even though I tried to study. Then history was boring as fuck as were my other classes. Divers Ed was actually pretty interesting. Today was drug day and our teacher has done: weed, acid, shrooms, underage drank, made a fake id, drag raced. Either he’s had a crazy life or he’s full of shit. I haven’t decided if I believe him or not. Things were a little different today after I told her that I like her. Somehow my sister found out and so did my friend but it’s whatever. I’ve just felt down and confused all night. I really need a day off tomorrow so hopefully I’ll get to stay home. I absolutely love staying home alone. I can never be myself around my family so when they leave it’s just perfect. I hope I can stay home tomorrow because I could use a day without everyone. Plus, i could get to look forward to seeing her on Saturday morning! She’s honestly just so perfect I wish she was mine

I think I inherited my love of storms from my grandpa. But honestly, a warm rain is my favorite thing to be outside in. Watching storms on my porch is one of my favorite things to do in the summer. The only thing that could make watching a storm better, would be cuddling and watching it with her.

I don’t really have much to say today so I’m just going to start writing I guess. My procrastination is slowly killing me. This is the second night in a row that I’ve been drowned with homework because I put it off. I honestly just hate math like, more than anything. I’m so tired of it and I really don’t see the point of the stuff that we’re doing. But she looked cute today and that helped. One of my good friends broke up with her boyfriend which I found interesting I guess. I’m just not really in the mood to write right now and this is a poor excuse for an entry but I guess some nights I just won’t write much. The last thing I will say is that I hate getting bitched at by my mom. She is obviously on her period and she took all of her anger out on me. Thanks bitch Goodnight to my tumblr

Today was actually a pretty good day on the whole. It had its ups and downs but I mean, what day doesn’t. I got a 42% on my last math quiz which kinda threw me off a little bit but he drops our lowest quiz grade so I’m not all that worried about it. It was also twin day and everyone said we looked. The girl I like looked absolutely gorgeous in something so simple, she never ceases to amaze me. But I’ll get to her later. Talking to one of my good new friends here, who was also my twin today, he invited me to go to a dance with him in a few weeks because a few other guys are going. He couldn’t tell but this actually made me really happy. At my old school literally no one invited me to do anything and just being included for once means so much. I feel like I’m actually starting to be accepted and I’m glad I made the change in schools. We also had a new drivers ed teacher today who was the most chill old guy I’ve ever met. He was 10x better than the one we had last week and I actually enjoyed his class. Being with her also helped too but it always does. So then my mom was 25 minutes late to pick me up but I didn’t mind it all that much because it was beautiful out. I got home and actually got to work. I had to write a 4 page essay for history which absolutely drained me especially with this headache that I’ve had all evening. But meanwhile, in the process of writing, I was texting one of my friends who told me that the girl I like is actually into me and that she thinks I’m attractive. I smiled like an idiot at my phone I was so happy. She’s just amazing and I’d be the happiest kid in the world if I was able to call her mine. Thoughts of her motivated me to get the paper finished and do a good job. She just affects my mind so positively and I need that in my life. So now in lying in bed, falling asleep to the artificial sound of rain and writing this whole story for no one really. My final thoughts before I try to get to sleep are about my subconscious today. It just absolutely amazes me every day. Whether it be with music, connections, memories, or dreams. It’s truly an amazingly powerful thing that no one will every completely understand. I just hope that every day of my life I’ll get to spend with her and every night my dreams will take me to a place where we are still together. It is a rotation of eternal happiness that would fulfill every need in my life. Goodnight

I found a reason for me
to change who i used be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you.

Wow, i really do like this girl. I’m really debating whether or not to tell her. I might refrain so things in our friendship don’t become awkward while she’s still with her boyfriend. It sounds terrible but, in a self beneficial world, i really want them to break up. She’s so perfect, i just wish i could call her mine.

I don’t want to be just another photo blog. I feel like I’m just being like everyone else, and as of recently, that has been the theme. All I want is a place to freely express myself and get my thoughts out. I keep my thoughts all bottled up inside me and sometimes it’s just too much to handle. My thoughts start ripping at my interior just fighting for a way to get out. It tears me up inside to the point where i just feel broken. After that dance last night, i just feel down and out. 

So this year I’ve only acquired feelings for two girls, one for physical reasons, and one for her personality.  I’d like to get to know the one that i only like physically because maybe i’d enjoy her personality too but i wouldn’t know because i’ve never really had a conversation with her. Last night I thought about asking her to dance all night and then finally i got the courage to do it and like, 30 seconds into the song she says she has to go. Now if she didn’t want to dance, she could have just said so. Instead she makes up some stupid excuse and just goes to dance with this other guy. It hurt. I just want to get to know her a little bit, even if it’s only as friends, i could use a friend. 

Now about the girl whose personality i love.  She’s amazing, confident, elegant, funny, easy to talk to, easy to be around, i just feel happy around her. Oh, and to top it all of she’s gorgeous.  But there’s one slight problem, she has a boyfriend. I didn’t know she had one until last night. Before that, we spent days flirting with each other and being cute and i really developed feelings for her. But to know that all of that was just a lie to her actually really hurts too. 

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I have no one to talk to, no one to trust, no one to be with. I feel like that’s why i really want a girlfriend. I want someone to be with, talk to, trust… but everyone that i like either has a boyfriend would never even think of me; they don’t even give me a chance. I know that if they even gave me one shot, i would be the best boyfriend that they ever had. I would try so hard to make the relationship work, i would be anything and everything that they ever wanted in a guy. But then i realize that it’s never going to happen and i get all depressed again.

I’m tired of feeling like shit and being treated like it. 

I just feel so tired lately. Physically tired because of sports and my lack of sleep, mentally tired because of unnecessary stress in my life, and tired of what’s happening in my life. I’m getting tired of this new school and all of the annoying ass kids in it and I’m definitely getting tired of basketball. As I find out more and more about these new kids, the more I miss my phs friends. None of the girls are attractive personality wise, very few are attractive physically, yet I’m still single as fuck and I’m SO tired of being alone. This new life that I’ve taken on is really not what I had hoped it would be. I feel like a loaner who really just has no one right now. I need a break from school so badly. Im not even looking to do anything during the break. I just want to sleep and play music. Those are the only two consistent things in my life that are always there and can always make me happy. I’m just so tired lately.